The Tip.It Times


Issue 29699gp

The New Black Hole

Written by and edited by Arceus

These are dark times. Player numbers are down from whatever number they were in during whatever years you're citing, microtransactions are rampant and have fully replaced real content, and perhaps more importantly, people have stopped raising dogs as pets. Obviously the only thing left for Jagex to do is take drastic measures. To put it scientifically, it's past time to go all Danté on these rulebreaking cabbages.

7: Bots

Believe it or not, bots are not actually sent to a circle of RuneScape hell. They are instead used as a source of cheap labor in RuneScape heaven. Really, why would we waste that? But I digress, it's time to move on.

6: The Lucky Ones.

In spite of what the title implies, this is not where people go to escape punishment. Rather, to earn a spot in the sixth circle, one must be excessively lucky. This area is populated by the kinds of people that got dragon chainbodies from dust devils back when those were still relevant, or third age pieces and 200M spin drops today. These lucky souls inhabit a landscape that resembles a forest made of gold coins where all of the rare drops they've earned in their lifetime literally grow on trees, which I'm almost certain is symbolic in some way. As awesome as that sounds, it wouldn't be a parody without punishments, so these people simply cannot acquire basic tools and resources. Because somehow this is their fault.

5: Scammers

Okay, now we're getting into people that actually did something wrong. I was worried for a moment. Anyway, scamming is kind of obviously not a good thing, but their circle is all but identical to modern Runescape. To make matters worse, it is impossible to trade player to player, and the Grand Exchange will frequently swap items you bought for toy horses and flower seeds. The seeds can only produce ugly dead flowers and the horses are completely silent.

4: Boss Hunters

These are people that made a fortune by killing rare and endangered creatures who clearly could not defend themselves. Worst of all, they enjoyed doing it! Their version of Runescape is one made entirely of bones, skilling plots, and lifeless dust, which I would compare to Freneskae if this was a hell for questers. The important thing is that there is nothing to kill and no drops to earn. They could still skill, of course, but should they draw the attention of Jagex, they will be moved down into the third circle.

3: Skillers

Skillers, on the other hand, get off a lot easier. For their crime of doing something that a handful of players find boring, they are condemned to Modern RuneScape with no changes, where skilling is entirely irrelevant. If they adapt to it and start fighting stuff, they get kicked up to the fourth circle, in an endless cycle of grinding and playing that resembles the MMO genre itself, because it wouldn't be hell without (a selective definition of) irony.

2 PKers

Most of modern society frowns on murder, at least openly, so our second circle of RuneHell is reserved for the most murderous of players. Not content with killing mindless, computer-controlled automatons, PKers have decided to hunt mindless player-controlled automatons for fun and profit. But mostly fun. And unlike the last few castes, Runescape's PvPers will not have their hell modeled after the modern game, but rather, the one from 2008. The Wilderness will be entirely safe, and violence against other humanoids will be punishable by being forced to quest, with unskippable dialogue. NPCs don't count, appropriately enough, but killing them may get you transported up to the fourth circle.

1: Lore Hounds, Writers, and Roleplayers

The worst of the worst: this is for players whose crimes are too severe to be spoken of directly. Not that it will stop me: they paid attention during quests. They saw descriptions of epic battles, intrigue, magic, and monsters, and fully immersed themselves in the world. They may have even stopped fighting for fun. Put simply, they are no longer MMO players and deserve a punishment as harsh as those that would normally be reserved for traitors and heretics, because they are. So let's just drop them in the wilderness and let a few of the well-behaved PKers have some fun.

That said, the fact that we're all technically gamers should be punishment enough.


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Tags: Comedy Player behaviour

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