The Tip.It Times

Issue 24099gp

So You Think You Can Dance... God Wars Edition

Written by and edited by Hawks

The Gods are back… The end has come, or has it? Why do the gods truly want to return? The news and speculation around Gielinor would have us believe that the gods are power hungry, but are they really?

At Saradomin’s stronghold, in an unknown dimension…

“That crazed god is dead, now the true god can return to Gielinor, my lord!” Commander Zilyana shouted with glee.

“Do not speak of Guthix as crazed, for he was correct in believing that the power of the gods cannot be fathomed by mere mortals. Unfortunately, I must defend my crown as the god of the dance. There are those who would take it from me!” Saradomin replied. “I shall depart at once, you’re in command here.”

With that, the oldest of the young gods came back to Gielinor for the first time in thousands of years. He met Armadyl, an old ally, if not friend.

“Saradomin, my Aviantese are not gone as I feared! They remain locked in the battle for the god lute,” Armadyl said with the glee of a schoolgirl.

“That’s fantastic,” Saradomin said.

“So where shall we have it this time?” Armadyl asked.

“Oh, Zilyana told me of an arena to the south. I think it would suit our needs perfectly, and allow the mortals to view some sorely needed culture,” Saradomin said. “Call our brethren, so that they may face defeat with dignity.”

One by one, the gods appeared, and other than a slight issue with Bandos being severely drunk, there were no clashes or long-held grudges surfacing.

“Let’s get on with it,” he called out, looking towards Seren. She promptly slapped him, sobering him slightly.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, Bandos!” Seren yelled.

“Yes, we no longer need to hear the ramblings of a drunken lunatic. Now watch him, he’s not much of a threat, but if he falls on someone, he could do serious damage,” Saradomin agreed.

“Who died and put you in charge, ‘Domin?” Tumeken inquired. Several shouts of agreement came out. “We’ve put up with your arrogance for long enough! Let’s take him!”

The gods grabbed Saradomin, who was caught off guard, and threw him into the conveniently-placed sea.

“Now allow the dance competition, begin!”

There came music out of nowhere, and all the gods began dancing. Bandos was standing in one place, swaying back and forth, humming a completely wrong song. Then “Boogie Wonderland” came over the mysterious music player, signaling the contest to begin in earnest.

“Coming to you live from the Khazard Fight Arena, we have So You Think You Can Dance? God Wars Edition. Our current song has Armadyl doing a moon-walk that was last popular in the Third Age. Tumeken is doing the Egyptian, no points for creativity there. Thankfully, that’s the end of the disco. Now comes the Cha-Cha Slide. Whoa, there, Bandos, I don’t think you can hold yourself up!”

“Shut up, stupid voice in the sky! I crush you into very small rocks that not float!”

“Not sure if I should take offense or not, oh well. I guess it’s a moot point, because Bandos has fallen on Crondis and Het, putting them out of the competition as well as himself. He looks so cute when he’s sleeping! Apmeken has entered the fray, dancing as a baboon. And look there’s Marimbo! There might be something going on there, not sure. It’s couples dance now folks, and the blokes without ladies need to get off the stage. Tumeken and Elidinis, Seren and what? Armadyl? Nice one, man! Apmeken and Marimbo rounds out our couples challenge! I guess no one wanted to risk Amascut. Ladies and Gentleman, we have a new challenger! And I don’t know who it is! A mysterious man garbed in white. Some say he’s Zamorak. Some say he’s Zaros. Some say that the evil gods need to use a different letter than Z in their names! Stay tuned folks, next month we discover the identity of this mystery challenger, I have an identity crisis and more!”

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Tags: Comedy Fiction

Will you use Menaphos to train your skills?

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