The Tip.It Times

Issue 24299gp

What Would They Do?

Written by and edited by MonkeyChee

The following may not be the first people you recall from memory when thinking about RuneScape, but the related issues reshaped the history of Gielinor in fundamental ways, some long before adventurers such as ourselves roamed the lands. This history is well-buried. In fact, the only way to get a peek is to give Reldo a bribe-I mean, admission fee, in exchange for access to the restricted section of the library. And if you thought the restricted section in Hogwarts was weird...anyway.

Zeno's Paradox

My first investigation led to a manuscript by none other than the Greek philosopher Zeno. I will paraphrase, but here is what it said:

Let's consider a player training this skill one calls Agility. Agility requires the player to perform certain tasks to gain experience, such as crossing a log. In order to cross the log, the player must first perform the task of crossing halfway over the log. But before the player can complete this task, they must get to the halfway point of that half of the log.

Continuing this process, we see that the player must complete an infinite number of steps before they can even start to cross the log! Agility xp can be calculated (nominally) only since the game creates a finite approximation to the process. In any case, this xp is completely meaningless, worthless, and worst, of all, boring. If you don't believe me, ask players on the game yourself!

NB: Zeno maintained even on his deathbed that this had nothing to do with being knocked off the frontpage of the Agility hiscores.

Ferdinand Magellan

For centuries, citizens of Gielinor lived under the mistaken impression that their world was round. But Ferdinand Magellan, known more commonly as F_Magellan due to character limits, changed it all when he braved an expedition to travel deep to the corners of the world, right up to the very edges. He described a black and plain pixelated mess as far as the eye could see in every direction. Doing what no explorer before him had ever done before, he had somehow managed to push further, beyond what any player had.

One of the greatest mysteries of the expedition is what happened to Magellan. Although he reported back several times, after one of his journeys where he left his men to guard their makeshift camp, he simply never returned. The general consensus is that he perished to the elements, but in certain places late at night, whispers of "bug abuse" abound. We'll never know for sure, but the contribution to society remains invaluable nevertheless.

Galileo Galilei

Someway, somehow, this theory in RuneScape got going that more valuable items fell faster. Born a brilliant scientist with a gift for economics as well, Galileo dreamed of testing this hypothesis using the scientific method and debunking the (as he felt) myth once and for all.

The test would be very simple; in fact, he would prepare only two items-feathers and cannonballs. Very early the next morning, he snuck to the market with his items and waited. Slowly people showed up, eyes bleary with sleep, and he began to sell his items in huge quantities. Using the carefully weighted amounts to make sure the effects should compensate for the different volumes typically traded, Galileo drove down the prices for feathers and cannonballs. Sure enough, the market price dropped to a mere 10% of the original prices, but as a percentage, the feathers and cannonballs decreased in price at exactly the same rate. The conjecture held true-the items fell equally fast!

There was much joy in the market as well due to the lower prices. Farmers hoped that the lower price of feathers would help to combat chicken poaching, and mercenaries were glad to have a cheap and highly effective source of ammunition for their cannons. Now, one might be wondering where Galileo managed to obtain such large quantities of feathers and items, and the good people of Gielinor were contemplating the same question. As they arrived back home with their purchases of feathers and other more normally-priced goods, they noticed all the chickens and cannonballs were gone! Although they sounded the alarm and headed back into the market in angry droves, it seemed Galileo had already vanished, just as surreptitiously as their goods. While they had just "bought" their stuff back, he had all their money!

Sir Isaac Newton

It seems quite an obvious method of harming your opponent is, in layman's terms, to poke them with something pointy. More formally, we call this melee combat—but of course this is not the only way. Magic had been around from since the dawn of time with runes and other enchantments. But it was that fateful day when Newton was conked on the head by the apple when he made a fateful discovery. "Screw this gravity thing," he proclaimed, for the impact hurt!

And so the Ranged skill was born. Hurling pieces of fruit at other opponents not only induced pain, but contained the perfect element of surprise. Unfortunately this technique became widely popular, but the cost of fruit ultimately led to its replacement by slingshots, followed by bows and arrows, more traditional equipment for today's rangers. However, in loving memory of Sir Isaac Newton, players may to this day still hurl tomatoes at other players fighting in the Duel Arena.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

It may have been one of the most inspirational speeches in all of RuneScape history, right in the heart of the skiller rights movement. After years of demonstrations and signs and thousands of deaths by skillers minding their business in Free-for-all Clan Wars, a leader emerged to give them a voice.

He advocated a nonviolent approach to the problem (although one might have questioned the sanity of any other option, given their combat experience). "I have a dream today," began the most well-known part of this now infamous speech, "That one day players will live in a community where they will not be judged not on the color of their combat level compared to others, whether green, yellow, red, or a shade in between, but by the content of their skills." Although skillers still tread the wilderness in fear, conditions have much improved since then. I'm sure Dr. King would be proud.

Well, there you have it. What historical figure or otherwise famous person would you throw into RuneScape, and what do you think they would say? I look forward to you sharing on the discussion thread!

Do you have any thoughts or comments about this week's articles? Want to discuss these articles with your fellow RuneScapers? We invite you to discuss them in this forum topic.

Tags: Comedy Historical

Will you use Menaphos to train your skills?

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