Previously on So You think You Can Dance: God Wars Edition:
“The Big High War God, Bandos, fell on Crondis and Het. This made the three of them the first victims in the elimination challenge, never mind that the elimination challenge wasn’t supposed to start yet. With Saradomin, the previous champion, thrown into the sea, it’s anyone’s guess who will win. And who is the mysterious challenger that appeared at the end of the last show? We resume our coverage at the end of the couples dance.”
“The victims, ahem, I mean, competitors have entered the ring, ready to begin the elimination challenge. I have just been informed that due to my comment last show about Amascut, she is going to eat my soul. She has graciously decided to postpone the soul-eating until the end of the competition so that I will be able to continue my coverage.”
“Shut up and start the music!” Amascut yelled.
“Let’s see how the gods do with this one. Ladies and Gentlemen, here’s Stevie Wonder with “Sir Duke!”
“Oh my gods, my eyes! In what can only be described as a demonstration of terrible dancing, Armadyl has decided to begin the worm. In the absence of the previous champion, Saradomin, it appears that all the gods have lost all hope of actually displaying skill.”
“Now the mysterious challenger is on the floor. Some say that he’s the only horse in Gielinor! Some say he’s an embarrassed god! All we know is… he’s… Hans?! What?! Ladies and Gentlemen! In an unprecedented move, a mortal has joined the fray for the first time since the gods roasted them in the first dance competition. And when I say roasted, I mean literally burned alive. This song should liven things up. Here’s a classic from the Mysterious Old Man: Pinball Wizard.”
Over the river, through the world gate, to Zaros’ realm we go…
“These fools waste their time with these sad attempts at dancing. If I wanted to, I would destroy them. My goals are not so trivial, however. I will rise once more, more terrible and furious than ever!”
“Oh shut up, idiot. I stabbed you once, I can do it again.”
“That’s right old man. I’m here because I care not for Gielinor any longer. The Majharrat no longer survive, but for a few sad pretenders. You may have it.”
“I will take no favors from the likes of you, betrayer!”
Zamorak punched Zaros in the gut, leaving the God of Control wheezing. Zaros, recovering quickly, countered with a roundhouse to Zamorak’s face. In no time at all, the two gods were rolling on the floor, engaged in an intense brawl.
“My lord I have returned! We can be together-“ Char began before seeing the state of Zaros and Zamorak.
“Oh… I’ll come back later, shall I?”
Back at the Fight Arena…
“Our contest is near to an end. My existence shall shortly be… terminated. Have I done everything I wanted? Who am I anyway? A sad excuse for a man, who makes a living announcing sporting events? I wanted to be a priest… a warrior… a mage! I will die with no one to remember me!”
“… Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I just had to do that. So, after some cheating, half of our competitors are unconscious. The other half has been disqualified. All but one. The champion reigns supreme as god of the dance… I give you Hans!!”
“Cut! That’s a wrap! Take five guys. Hans, you know the competition was rigged right?” The director said to the winner who was sobbing uncontrollably.
“Yes… I know, but the emotion overwhelmed me!”
“Anyway, let’s finish up production so we can get this on primetime tonight! Let’s move people!”
“Um… sir… you DO know Gielinor doesn’t have a TV network right?”