The Tip.It Times

Issue 26599gp

Rejected Boss Ideas

Written by and edited by MonkeyChee

It took some time for our source at Jagex HQ to come through. They've tightened security since our last attempt to leak information ended with us inadvertently introducing the armadillo to Cambridge's sewer system, but even that was as nothing compared to a writer on a deadline. This time, the fruits of our effort are bosses and endgame items.

Once again, we can't tell you what they're going to release next. We can, however, tell you what won't see the light of day.

1: Island Turtle

Accessed through a portal in Port Sarim, the fight requires a team of thirty players in thirty different roles: one for each skill, plus one person to micromanage, two people to massage the turtle's neck, and one person to PK anyone whose efficiency and skill makes the others look bad. Their goal is to build a cannon out of literally everything they can, then shoot it at the turtle. However, as they're on top of it at the time, the obvious happens and they have to grab whatever loot they can from inside its shell and get out, including level 90 items for every skill in the game: the longer you spend, the greater the risks... And rewards.

Rejected Because: Management hand-picked a small team of the best developers and QA testers from other projects for this. We still haven't heard back from them, and are forced to assume that their supplies ran out and they had to eat one another, or that they got tired of this and found new jobs. Management is not sure which is worse.

2: Prince Black Dragon

A boss aimed at low-level players, but with scalable levels. Players are forced to join a team and trek through a dungeon filled with edutainment and death to reach this creature, and must defeat it by answering basic health questions and showing respect and/or kindness to their fellow players. Notable for being the first boss to be secretly beta tested among members of the community. Drops items that level with the player, all the way up to 99. Only the one that our advanced algorithm has determined is the most polite of the group can claim the prize.

Rejected Because: Our QA teams had no problem with this one, and we were about to celebrate out first-ever problem-free release until we got the bad news. None of our beta testers have managed to beat it. As soon as the competition started, players became increasingly passive-aggressive until the politeness algorithm crashed the servers.

3: Dragon Flashmob

Much like Demon Flashmobs, Dragon Flashmobs spawn once an hour in every world. Unlike Demon Flashmobs, these are aggressive and can destroy the environment in which they spawn. Players who brave this inferno have a chance to win Dragon Slayer armor - tier 65 power armor that gives a hefty damage when used against anything scaly and winged, as well as rewards far greater than those dropped by their infernal cousins.

Rejected Because: Idea was close to approval until it was discovered that the Grand Exchange was a possible spawn point. Hilarity ensued, by which we mean the developer responsible was sacked.

4: Romeo and Juliet

The couple that died together fights together! [ed. note: who writes this crap?] Requiring players to fight in a team of two, this may be the hardest boss we've ever released simply because they don't give a damn whether they live or die, as long as you don't. Players who can put them back in their graves have a shot at Shakespearean Armor, which is cosmetic and has the unique effect of filtering everything your character says into anachronistic olde Englishe!

Rejected Because: Nobody is admitting that they coded it. It was never approved at all. It just showed up in the latest build of the game and has been there ever since, because we haven't figured out how to get rid of it. Management is putting on a brave face but is secretly very worried.

Do you have any thoughts or comments about this week's articles? Want to discuss these articles with your fellow RuneScapers? We invite you to discuss them in this forum topic.

Tags: Comedy Fiction Future Updates and Speculation

Will you use Menaphos to train your skills?

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