The Tip.It Times

Issue 26799gp

The News in Gielinor

Written by and edited by Kaida23


FOR the last few weeks, the world's eyes have been on the kingdoms of Asgarnia and Misthalin as two gods have chosen the region as their battlefield. While the fighting has, mercifully, been relegated to a handful of caravans and some strategic sites, leaders still recommend that residents remain indoors whenever one of the belligerent factions' activities increase nearby.

Some reports indicate that the rates of violence have actually decreased since the start of the battle. "I haven't been robbed in weeks, and my nephew is about a day away from surviving his first week as a guard," says Hal Bristol, a resident of Varrock, "It's almost like all of the adventurers that usually cause trouble around here are too busy killing each other to bother with us!"

Others are skeptical of the benefits of this extended conflict. "Sure, it's all peaceful for you city folk, but my farm's been trampled to bits by all of this marching and these caravans," says Freddie Merricks, a farmer living north of Port Sarim, "And then when those mercenaries finish killing one another, they kill my cows! That rat Beefy Bill must be behind it, I swear on my mother's grave!"

Regardless of the social and political issues surrounding these new wars, it look like this may just be the beginning, with even such minor deities as Brassica Prime and Marimbo preparing for battle.


ADVENTURERS everywhere are celebrating the rise of an alarmingly radical idea: the idea that all men and women deserve an equal say in the direction of their governments. "It's, like, the best way to do things" says oddly-named adventurer BlueGirl467, "better than letting some king in a city nobody even cares about decide what our lives are gonna be like, right?"

In spite of this idealism, the idea has only recently started to gain ground outside of Gielinor's large-but-transient adventurer population. "I mean, long live the king and all that, but it's kind of hard to believe in that whole 'divine right to rule' thing when Saradomin Himself comes down from who knows where and blows up part of a castle" says Marcia Simms of Lumbridge. "Plus, it works for some of the other races, right? Maybe there's a better man for the job than King Roald, I dunno."

King Roald III could not be reached for comment.


RESIDENTS of Varrock are celebrating the grand opening of Solomon's General Store this week, a new chain that specializes in delivering adventurer fashions to everyday people. "I've seen this guy wearing these nice robes, but whenever I ask where he got them, he called me a 'Noob' and threw a pie at me! What does that even mean?" says Allana Sutherland, a banker in Varrock. "Now I finally know... Though they keep asking for this really odd currency. I mean, paper? We're not allowed to take bank notes for their coins..."

More unusual is the atmosphere around the shop itself. Residents claim that they never actually saw construction take place: that the boutique merely appeared one day out of the blue. Others claim that it was always there. Still more people are curious about its well-spoken owner, Solomon, whose appearance has been described as "half ghost, half gentleman" by local teenagers. However, residents tend to agree that he is merely a harmless eccentric and have welcomed him into the community.


NOTABLE individuals have come from across the world to see the Ardougne Zoo's newest resident, a unicorn that lacks the species' iconic horn. While most of the city is excited by this development, others are more than a little disappointed. A local wizard has stated that "The horn is where all the magic is—without that, what do you have? A meaty thing that runs fast? Useless!"

Hornless unicorns are rare, but not unheard of, occurring roughly once every 1500 births. In the wild, they rarely live to adulthood as they lack the defenses of their horned counterparts. Those born in captivity have slightly longer lifespans but are more prone to illness, as their horns contain healing properties that not even the finest herblorists can explain. Some have suggested domesticating both horned and hornless unicorns for use as mounts, though opponents quickly cite the ease of teleportation as counter-arguments.

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Tags: Comedy Player behaviour

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