Aries (March 21-April 19)
It's a very good week to be a skiller, which is good because you've been neglecting both that half of the skill chart and your television backlog. Honor your inherently impulsive nature by cutting yourself off from the world and dropping a few hours on that one anime series your pride keeps you from telling your friends about.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You're probably not going to listen to this, but keep doing what you're doing. Seriously, it's going to pay off very soon. You're going to get all the drops and probably a moderator invite or two. That will fully justify your recent investment of an incredible throne room, from which you mock all of the peasants in lower Varrock.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Well, an enormous world-eater passed through your sign a while back, so you've got that going for you. The stars are strangely silent on whether that's an entirely good thing (probably because said god-thing burned with the intensity of a thousand suns and I couldn't see any of them after looking directly into it), but It probably is. Maybe not for you, or for anyone within hundreds of miles of the impact site, but it is.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Your feelings are fragile, but the RNG does not care. The RNG is aware of nothing more than the suffering of its victims. The RNG will laugh as every hour of your time is consumed like your stockpile of supplies. Your tears will be a feast for the cruel and uncaring tides of fate. So maybe avoid dangerous stuff for a bit. Weave some baskets. That sort of thing.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You're going to take a break from being a Type-A badass and come back to Runescape for a bit, where you'll find out that one of your old friends is still around. You'll reconnect with them, then slowly drift apart again because your differences are just too great. Mostly because you don't really want to associate with people from your nerdy past. That secret must never be revealed.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Okay, real talk? Kill a Nihil or ten. Why? Jupiter did a backflip in the southern sky, so you're getting that Zaryte. Wait, Retrograde? What does that even mean? You're just making that word up! ...Fine, but I'm not changing it.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Your natural charm will not benefit you during quests this month, because your character inherited none of it. Also it will probably be another three years before Jagex allows you to charm your way past inanimate puzzles, and until then you'll just have to mash the space bar like the rest of us. And no, you can't try to sweet talk your way into being a Taurus, either.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Get in the wilderness, you murderous psycho. Some Leo is probably going to try to assert their dominant personality, but they've also been away from the game for so long that they'll be easy picking. Just be sure to share the kill with your chitinous brethren, and maybe check out the forums for any threads about new wilderness bosses.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
An unexpected windfall will grace your next Slayer session, and by that I mean you'll get a single Treasure Hunter token, which will give you an uncommon reward. I apologize if I got your hopes up, but look on the bright side: it means your horoscope is the most likely to come true. That's something, right?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
As probably the only sign that genuinely enjoys Runescape for what it is, there are many good things in your future. A string of good fortune and even better updates will almost make up for the fact that you'll lose your entire bank to a rare glitch on August 24th at 12:44 PM local time, thanks to the interference of Mercury in both the celestial map and the coffee of one unlucky server technician.
Aquarius (January 21-February 19)
This is the month where you finally realize your ruling planet is the lamest in the solar system. But hey, at least it's a real planet.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Your future lies not in the stars, but in the sea. You see now that the biggest mistake life ever made was adapting to dry land: a point you will prove by poisoning unsuspecting earth-walkers with the same element that's polluting your ancestral home and crippling your kin.