The Tip.It Times

Issue 4399gp

166 things Skippy591 is no longer allowed to do

Written by and edited by Tip.It

At the time of this writing, RuneScape has fifteen rules of conduct that all players must adhere to. However, over the past few weeks Jagex has been swamped with reports, all concerning a single player, and some filed by NPCs, that indicated that more might be necessary. An intern mod was assigned to quietly follow this player around for a week, noting all the rule amendments that might need to be made to address the behaviour of one Skippy591. The full list of personal rule amendments and "friendly suggestions" for this particular player reads as follows:

  1. Not allowed to borrow a red Halloween mask and walk around Lumbridge trying to buy the souls of new players.
  2. Herbs are for use in potions only. Nobody cares that you'll see some totally awesome stuff if you ingest them in other ways.
  3. Although I do think I could do a better job and I would like to lead, these questions usually turn out not to be sincere.
  4. Anything I say after "It's worth noting" is usually not interesting to anyone else in the clan chat.
  5. Basilisks cannot be hypnotized by winning a staring contest with them.
  6. Battle axes are not a ranged weapon so I should get out from behind the rocks and engage the enemy.
  7. Battle axes don't have a stun setting.
  8. Dark Gods require virgin sacrifices, potions do not require virgin components. It is wrong to ask the herbalist how he knows his eye of newt comes from a virgin newt.
  9. Pack yaks are not missile weapons.
  10. Dragon breath is not funny.
  11. Dragons do not dispense their hoard in lotteries, and there's no way I "may already be a winner."
  12. 'Dropping trou' is not a special attack.
  13. Elf ears do not require sharpening.
  14. For customs inspectors, "Declare" has a specific meaning that does not involve reciting my heritage back to the 'Time Of Troubles.'
  15. Get down off the altar.
  16. Gifts from The Gods do not come with an exchange coupon for Harrod's Merchantile and Chandler shop.
  17. He did not 'start it.'
  18. He is not kidding.
  19. He is not on 'my side of the dungeon.'
  20. He really means it this time.
  21. Juggling on the tight rope may only be done with the items provided to me by the circus. Its employees will not help me pull three terrified blindfolded gnomes up the ladder.
  22. The clothes are not optional.
  23. I am not allowed to make explosives, even if I do have all the supplies.
  24. I am not allowed to render any member of my party to obtain those supplies.
  25. I am not the evil twin, but only because I don't have a twin.
  26. I cannot improve my defenses by dying any piece of my armour red.
  27. I don't know what I was thinking when I said the spiritual ranger was 'out of ammo' after six shots.
  28. I should stop screaming about 'the power of grayskull' and take cover from the crossbows.
  29. I should stop writing 'Bite Me' in orcish on my party members' shield.
  30. Must stop writing ANYTHING in orcish on party members' shields.
  31. "I was bored" is not an excuse for anything done with a loaded ballista.
  32. If I sing "I'm A Lumberjack and I'm Okay" just one more time, they're gonna make me eat my axe.
  33. In joining a group of raiders, the party leader does actually become the boss of me, and I should respond accordingly in combat.
  34. In my case, 'innocent until proven guilty' is an offense against the gods.
  35. In my case, an aphorism indicating 'that's when you find out who your friends really are' is just noise in the wind.
  36. It is not motivational to talk about raiding parties that died in situations "just like this."
  37. It is so my fault.
  38. It is wrong to enhance my codpiece for dramatic effect.
  39. It is wrong to make the evil witch cry by mentioning her biological clock, ticking away.
  40. The white knight feels it is wrong to behead someone who's crying. Noted.
  41. It is wrong to splice centerfolds into the god books.
  42. It is wrong to tell dying heroes they've been downsized and their valuables seized.
  43. It is wrong to use chinchompas to gather firewood when there's a druid nearby.
  44. It is wrong to stick 'First come, first serve' notes on the temple trekkers I'm supposed to protect.
  45. It would not have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids.
  46. It's a Monarchy based on Oral Law. There is no Free Speech.
  47. It's never too early to tell the others where I packed the Saradomin Brews.
  48. Labels on the vials of potions are not the sign of a weak mind, they're really a good idea.
  49. Labels on the vials of potions should be popular names in a common tongue, not pictionary graphics.
  50. It's not important who's right and who's wrong as long as the party leader is right.
  51. Jousting is the sport of noble knights on horseback, not drunken adventurers on Draynor Mansion chairs.
  52. Kilroy was NOT here and he'd better stop putting graffiti in the castle.
  53. Knowing how to burp fire and NEEDING to burp fire are two different things.
  54. Leave the animation of the dead to professionals.
  55. Leave the noble art of chirurgery to the professionals.
  56. The Master Wand does not experience 'recoil' so I don't need to brace the short-skirted sorceress every time she casts a spell.
  57. Missile weapons and alcohol don't mix.
  58. Most characters that claim to be invincible don't understand what the word means.
  59. Must not delay the party's attack on the King Black Dragon while I 'get the marshmallows ready.'
  60. Must not hire an apothecary to make a half-ton cake of soap, attach axles, and drive it to the king's castle as a gift 'from concerned friends.'
  61. Ditto the half ton breathmint, the queen, 'loving but scandalized subjects.'
  62. I do not gain cooking XP for adding sliced fruits to Jellies, and this does not make them edible.
  63. Must not throw the NPC's into sulphur vents to 'see them sparkle.'
  64. Must put the battle axe down before performing the ancient victory rite of 'The Barbie Girl Dance.'
  65. Must remember that the time to point out flaws in the strategy is BEFORE we enter the Dark Abyss of Eternal Peril.
  66. Must stop telling the goblins 'You might be a redneck if...'
  67. Must stop trying to crossbreed summoning familiars.
  68. Must stop trying to get the pack yak to take loyalty oaths.
  69. Must stop using the cliché: "Fools gold spends just like real gold in an election year!"
  70. Mustn't wear my 'tour guide' cap when we're forced to return to a dungeon for something we forgot.
  71. Not allowed to describe the colorful history of a dungeon if that history was one of our previous adventures.
  72. My horoscope for today does NOT say 'it'll be a cold day in hell before I take point.'
  73. My mithril long johns do not grant me power over space, time and reality.
  74. My primary weapon is not a two-handed shield.
  75. Never ask a wizard if they'd rather be a 'real man.'
  76. Next time I make that old joke about 'poison canyon... one drop will kill you!' they're throwing me off the bridge.
  77. Next time we run out of torches because I used three of them to light my farts, they're going to set fire to my beard.
  78. 'Can o' whup ass' is not a weapon.
  79. No more Mr. Nice Barbarian.
  80. No one cares how they did it in the old, old, old days.
  81. No one is interested in how I keep my beard so glossy.
  82. No one is interested in who I'm going to hire as my court fool when I am finally rich beyond dreams of avarice.
  83. No one wants to guess what's in my beard.
  84. No one wants to hear me go on about what they do to you in the drive-through.
  85. No one wants to help me look for my invisible friend.
  86. No one wants to know how the fight would have gone if we were playing with a different rules system.
  87. Nobody wants to know why I built a bed in the middle of my house dungeon.
  88. No one wants to see a dwarf do a table dance.
  89. Not allowed to beat out the 'In A Gada Da Vida' drum solo on a white knight's breastplate.
  90. Not allowed to look for the herbalist's 'secret stash'. He doesn't have one.
  91. Not allowed to chop an orc's arm off, then carry it on my shoulder as my 'familiar.'
  92. Not allowed to confess my sins to the monk. He's not interested, and he's not that kind of monk.
  93. Not allowed to cut the ranger's warrior braid and leave clippings to mark our passage through the maze.
  94. Not allowed to say "Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life here." every time I cast a teleport spell.
  95. Not allowed to give wounded comrades a hearty 'pre-cardial thump' before medical treatment is applied. Especially when wearing Dragon Claws.
  96. Not allowed to go on 'strike' in the middle of combat.
  97. Not allowed to grant asylum to Mahjarrat.
  98. Not allowed to have Near Death Experiences when I'm not the one that nearly died.
  99. Not allowed to hire Diango to make marionnettes of the party so I can restage our last adventure at the next tavern.
  100. Not allowed to hire a broodoo priestess to make marionnettes of the party so I can run our next God Wars trip by remote control.
  101. Not allowed to interrogate thieves about crimes committed in faery tales.
  102. Not allowed to sell pet geckos as 'miniature dragons'.
  103. Not allowed to take the gnome copters on a beer run.
  104. Not allowed to eat any flavor of chili less than 6 hours before entering a dungeon or any other poorly ventilated space.
  105. Not allowed to order were-chihuahua chili in the Canifis tavern any more never again no way no how.
  106. Not allowed to organize minotaur rodeos.
  107. Not allowed to paint 'I'm with stupid' on my shield.
  108. Not allowed to shout 'CLEAR!' every time a lunar mage starts to heal someone.
  109. Not allowed to sign a friend's name, in blood, on a contract offered by a guy whose eyeballs burn with an inner light.
  110. Not allowed to start wearing taffeta over my armor and calling myself Rapunzel, Queen of the May.
  111. Not allowed to suggest 'much better' riddles to the sphinx.
  112. Not allowed to take fallen comrades to the taxidermist, even if I SWEAR it'll be a tasteful pose.
  113. No one wants to discuss my idea of what's 'tasteful.'
  114. Not allowed to teach obscene exclamations to my ex-ex-parrot.
  115. Not allowed to throw chinchompas at the back of the party leader's head and blame the wizard.
  116. Bob's Axe Shop does not sell guitars, no matter how often you ask.
  117. Oh, stop screaming.
  118. The monk has never decided a wounded adventurer asking for healing was beyond help and turned first-aid into a sacrifice to The Dark One. Well, not that we know of.
  119. Religious tracts should not be handed out every time we meet a party of ogres.
  120. Rescuers are there to rescue, not to shout about the cavalry to the rescue, or inquire who ordered extra cheese with anchovies.
  121. She's not playing with me.
  122. Stop adding the notation 'forbidden zone' to the maps at random.
  123. Stop chanting 'gnomes are the enemy.'
  124. The Piscatoris Hunting Grounds do not have a 'black tie' policy.
  125. There is a type of broodoo victim that can be defeated by throwing pies at them. This does not mean I'm allowed to put on clown clothes and start charging onlookers for the show.
  126. A party member's unicorn is off limits to anyone with a meat cleaver and a bottle of bar-b-q sauce.
  127. The party wizard is not undead, and I must stop congratulating him for 'passing' as a living being.
  128. The phrase 'can't possibly miss' is way overused.
  129. The wages of sin are NOT 'heaps and heaps of slightly smelly treasure.'
  130. There is no instant replay in the dungeon, and the refs will not vindicate my actions.
  131. There is no ominous "background music" telling me the monster's getting closer.
  132. There is no reason to tell anybody what I plan to do with twelve buckets of tree sap and an equal amount of potato cactii.
  133. There is no such language as pig-druid, so stop practicing it.
  134. There is nothing under the druid's gown that is of any interest to a fellow party member.
  135. There's no such thing as a Dwarven Death Grip.
  136. Throwing gnomes off a cliff to see how big a splat they make is not a competitive sport.
  137. Not allowed to spend time on watch developing a scoring system for gnome-splat.
  138. Treason's such a harsh word.
  139. Triage categories are not (1) Me, (2) You all, I guess, and (3) Those other geeks.
  140. Triage is performed according to the nature of the wounds, not the amount of gold they're carrying.
  141. Turns out, the Ranger DOES care what his deity-gift magical arrow was last fired at.
  142. Turns out, when I'm told 'you wouldn't dare' they're usually wrong.
  143. Twenty seven lice in my hair and beard do not qualify me as a leader of a guerrilla army of infiltration specialists.
  144. Under most circumstances, no one cares to see how many gold pieces I can fit into a goblin's skull.
  145. Unloaded crossbows should not be fired in jest.
  146. Valhalla is not the final destination of those that die owing more than a million gold to creditors.
  147. The Blood Barrage spell is not an 'icebreaker' for diplomatic missions.
  148. Voices in my head are not 'in a position to know.'
  149. War cries should be shouted, not delivered by messenger or sung by off-side cheerleaders.
  150. We did not recruit the new guy in our raiding party just in case we need a virgin sacrifice. Stop telling him that.
  151. We do not delay returning the prince to the palace in order to solicit competing bids.
  152. We do not run credit checks on royalty when hired to rescue the prince.
  153. We do not shout 'Circle of Life, Dude!' and leave the wounded behind.
  154. We will not laugh about all of this in a year or two.
  155. We're here to kill Tormented Demons, not moon them.
  156. When a party member is low on health, I will render all possible aid. I will never again stand by, telling the rest of the party 'He needs to prove himself against the King Black Dragon... and his own fears.'
  157. When grizzly bears hit grizzly bears it means love. When grizzly bears hit level 3 players it means they need help, and I should not shout 'get a room, you two!'
  158. When small harmless people shapechange to large slavering monsters, my most immediate reaction is not to try to calculate just how much mass seems to have been hidden/ignored in the transformation.
  159. When someone says 'It's Over,' not allowed to tell the only female clan chat participant to start picking a tune
  160. When the Oracle of Ice Mountain offers me to answer a question, not allowed to pull out my Zen For Dummies book and ask about one hand clapping.
  161. When the ogres are sacrificing to their dark gods, and they don't know where the heart is on a human, I should not whip out a grease pencil and provide visual aids.
  162. When they say "over my dead body" I should assume it's hyperbole until proven to be literal, not the other way around.
  163. When they say 'fire at will' they don't mean Hans.
  164. Xylophone music is not required in order to fight skeletons.
  165. If the thought of something makes me giggle for more than ten seconds, I am to assume that it is against the rules.
  166. Yes, there really are such things as innocent bystanders.

Note: This list was inspired by the original Skippy list.

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