The Tip.It Times

Issue 10499gp

Return of a Dead Guy

Written by and edited by Wingless

The gloomy atmosphere hung thick in the office, and the scent of a million musty tomes filled my nostrils as I approached the desk. I stepped forward, presenting myself for his judgment; not that I didn't already know the outcome. His thick black robes covered his boney form and while his right hand remained wrapped around a scythe, his left absently flipped through a book.

“Hi Grim” I said shamefacedly. Even though I was dead I felt my blood flush to my face as I stared at my shoes. “Oh for all the...” He started. “Another questing fool? I thought I told you last time, one must always bring that dinky orange shield while fighting dragons!”

“No, no, it was different this time” I responded. Grim looked up from his book, and cocked his head with the intent of raising a nonexistent eyebrow. “Oh, sorry there. Forgot it was you. What happened?” He inquired.

“Yes, see I was in the process of pulling my blade from the mighty chaos elemental when some form of angry, spectral orc threw some sort of spell at me...” Grim swiftly interrupted me, “Ah yes the revenants; say no more.” He sighed. “I swear, with so many tales circulating about how dangerous they are, it’s a wonder the gods choose to revive you 'adventurers' that are dumb enough to venture out, INTO THEIR LAIR unprepared.” The reaper shook his head as he struck the ground with the butt of his scythe. He then beckoned to a shelf and a book flew over to his waiting grasp.

“Which god is it that sponsors you again?” He asked in a dull tone. “Armadyl sir” I replied. “Ah yes, that's right; and as a temple knight I am to return you to Falador, yes?.” I gave a quick nod. “This is what, your third visit in the same number of months? Well, I suppose it’s not as bad as some others....” Grim paused, as if deep in thought. The silence seemed to last forever as he began to stroke his chin.

Finally I spoke up, “Is there anything I can help you with?” At the sound of my voice, Grim snapped out of his trance with a start. “Actually mortal, I believe there is. I could do with an assistant for the time being.”

My heart skipped a beat; the Grim Reaper himself just offered me a job. “It... it would be an honour sir” I stammered. “But, I also have a body and some, uh, material possessions I would like to get back to.”

“Oh no matter, I'll make sure nothing happens to them in the meantime” Grim replied. “So what say you?”

“Well, I uh, accept of course!” I shouted. I figured it was good to be enthusiastic, especially when dealing with the guy who alone could change your existence for the remainder of eternity. He gestured and a ghostly servant appeared. Grim went back to his book and sent us off, saying; “He'll get you all fixed up, now run along. There are hundreds of other fools who'll plead their cases, very few of them will be so lucky.”

I gave a quick bow and departed with the spirit, who, in the next few hours proved himself a very adept tailor. He outfitted me with robes similar to Grim's and gave a quick run-down on my so called 'duties'. I was then ushered into another office in which a large portal was placed. I took my seat and waited, sure enough after about half a minute a Falador guardsman appeared in a crumpled heap through the portal. I grabbed a form and quill in preparation

“Hail good sir!” I said as I cleared my throat. He stood up and instantly paled. “A first timer I see! Please name the cause of death and with which higher power you align yourself.” The man looked up angrily “I was murdered, most heinously, by someone calling himself Pkmaster0036. I faithfully serve Saradomin as well.” He ground his teeth and balled his fists in anger, swearing profusely at the crime which had been done to him, oblivious to my scratchings on the parchment that held his future.

“Well then, you're in luck! Saradomin has many openings in his realm for such loyal servants and keepers of the peace!” I signed the form and marked it with a stamp bearing Saradomin's symbol. As the paper passed into his hands, he faded away to another plane. For the rest of the day, I performed much the same duties, and when the steward finally appeared to say my shift was over, I could see why Grim thought his job was boring.

I visited him in between hearings and as soon as I walked through the door he could tell what was on my mind. “Thinking of clocking out on me?” Grim asked “I must say I don't blame you. There's no time off and no benefits either”

“Sorry Grim, I really just don't think a desk job is for me. I feel much better with a sword in my hand and a shield on my arm.” I shrugged. “Is there any way I could get you to send me back?”

“Yeah, sure. You've helped me a lot more than most of the adventuring type, if it’s too much to ask; when you get out could you get Pumpkin Pete to arrange something? I need a vacation.”

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