The Tip.It Times

Issue 14799gp

Dear Evil Chicken

Written by and edited by Lore

Dear Evil Chicken,
I met this guy, "Sam". He's really nice and we get along well together, and he's a great friend. I really enjoy spending time with him. Except there's this other guy, "Harold," who is totally hot and I have this massive crush on him, but I hardly know him. Yesterday both of them asked me to the homecoming dance, and I don't know which one to choose! Should I go with my friend who I'm not sure I'm into romantically? Or should I take the risk and go for Harold even though it might not work out? Evil Chicken, help me! I don't know what to do!

--Frazzled in Falador

Dear Frazzled:
Your problem is obvious. Both of these suitors of yours are puny humans. Humans are the inferior race. Frazzled, you need to kill both of these guys and get yourself a real date--someone with feathers and a beak! Go to your pitiful human "homecoming" event with a chicken, the true master species! Evil Chicken will feast on your flesh eventually no matter who you choose, of course.

--Evil Chicken

Dear Evil Chicken,
My wife "Stacy" and I have been happily married for three years now. I love her, and I'm pretty sure she loves me. But every year for Thanksgiving, we have the same fight. She wants to have Thanksgiving dinner at her parents' house, and I want to have Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house. Evil Chicken, my mother-in-law is a nightmare. Every time she's with us, she can't go two sentences without saying something nasty about me or my side of the family. But Stacy refuses to acknowledge our mutual dislike and insists that I'm being unfair to her mother. What can I do to resolve this issue?

--Exasperated in Edgeville

Dear Exasperated:
Evil Chicken has the perfect solution to your problem. You and your pathetic human family should all come to Evil Chicken's lair for Thanksgiving dinner. Evil Chicken will roast you all and have a wonderfully diabolical feast of evil. Evil Chicken will be happy to bake your puny mother-in-law in Evil Chicken's extra-hot oven. All your problems will be solved, and you will make a tasty meal for Evil Chicken as well!

--Evil Chicken

Dear Evil Chicken,
I've held a comfortable desk job at a mining company for several years now, making about 50k gp/hr. It's not a lot, but it's enough to feed my wife and kids, and we're all satisfied with the life we've got now. Recently, I was offered a promotion--if I transfer to Falador, I can earn a raise of 300k gp/hr plus benefits, and I'd even get my own office! But there's a problem--we'd have to move and leave behind everything we've known. Evil Chicken, this offer is like a dream come true. All my life I've been working to move up in the world, and now I finally have my chance. But is it worth uprooting my family? My wife says she'll support me whatever I choose, but I know she'll miss home and so will the kids. What should I do?

--Vexed in Varrock

Dear Vexed:
Your worthless job is irrelevant. Evil Chicken laughs at your pitiful existence. BWUK BWUK BWAHAHA! All humanity will one day be slaves to Evil Chicken, so why bother toiling in your wretched labour when eventually you will bow down to Evil Chicken with nothing to show for your endeavours but pain and misery? Evil Chicken recommends you and your inconsequential family save time and enlist in Evil Chicken's slave labour force today. If you recruit early to Evil Chicken's service, perhaps one day you will rise to the status of Personal Secretary to Evil Chicken, a post with much prestige. You may even be the last to be devoured when I overthrow your arrogant race.

--Evil Chicken

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Tags: Comedy Fiction

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