When I was asked to interview the infamous Jagex Cat named Bob, my heart skipped a beat. I had heard a lot about him over the years, but I had never seen him, much less talked to him. It seemed that ever since his handlers had stuck his evil "twin" brother into a new random event, Bob had been trying to give an interview to whoever would be willing to sit and listen to him.
From what I had been told, Bob was very displeased indeed with the latest developments in RuneScape. My sources informed me that Sir Bob was very unhappy with Andrew Gower in particular, for it was his decision, according to sources, that let the "cat out of the bag", so to speak, and introduced Bob's previously unknown evil twin to the RuneScape Community. It's been reported that it was never Mr. Gower's intent to let the situation get so out of hand, but ever since the very popular Amulet of Catspeak was introduced as part of the Icthlarin's Little Helper quest, RuneScapers have been trying to use the amulet to speak to Bob about the whole sordid mess. The amulet was reportedly not supposed to be effective against the intrepid Bob but, according to insiders at the amulet development ministry, a rogue programmer was able to break the catspeak code and install a virus allowing wearers of the amulet to converse with Bob.
After travelling high and low looking for my interview subject, I finally found him sitting, of all places, at the bar in Burthorpe. I struggled to hear his words over the ruckus in the corner, where it seemed some poor soul by the name of Penda was getting a beating from a desperate treasure hunter. Once the treasure hunter retrieved what appeared to be a key from the unfortunate Mr. Penda's pocket, the room grew quiet once again, and I was able to continue my interview with Sir Bob. Here then, is the result of that interview:
Times: Thank you so much for agreeing to speak with me, Bob.
Bob: No problem. You know, I'm quite surprised that you were able to find me. How ever did you manage?
Times: Well it certainly wasn't easy. I must have used hundreds of runes teleporting here and there, only to find that I had just missed you.
Bob: Cats and teleporting just don't mix well. That's why I walk everywhere. Messes my hair up terribly.
Times: I see.
Bob: So, do you want to know how us cats keep so clean all day?
Times: I'm sure you're very fastidious, Bob. I'm certain your coat is positively spotless!
Bob: You would think so, wouldn't you. But is being covered in spit really clean?
Times: Erm, well, I don't...
Bob: Fastidious. Yeah, that's one of my best qualities. Just behind sneaky and vicious.
Times: Sneaky and vicious? I've heard a lot of things about you, Bob, but certainly not that you're sneaky and vicious.
Bob: Ask old what's-his-name.
Times: Do you mean Andrew Gower? Tell me about him.
Bob: Yeah, I could tell you something really useful, but then I would have to "1-hit you" to death.
Times: Alright, would you care to comment about the Jagex staff then?
Bob: I think not. They are my minions, and I let Andrew think that he's in charge. I'm the real power behind the throne.
Times: Isn't that a little, well, ungrateful? After all, Mr. Gower IS your owner, isn't he?
Bob: Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Times: Oh, come now! You do not!
Bob: OK, maybe I don't have staff, but old "I'm the boss" Gower certainly is NOT my owner.
Times: From what I've been told, Bob, he is. And you're only fooling yourself if you think you're the one in charge here. I just spoke to some of the Jagex staff yesterday, and they are very much under the impression that you're just a cat.
Bob: Yeah, it keeps them happy that way, but don't tell anyone!
Times: I'd bet you don't have any special powers at all! You certainly don't look like anything special to me.
Bob: Care to place a wager on that? Sorry, hang on, I've got no pockets. Maybe next time. If you only knew the power of Bob.
Times: I'll concede the point. What's your opinion on Jagex introducing pet fish sometime later this month?
Times: You won't be saying that when they decide to introduce pet dogs, will you?
Bob: Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Times: You've got a point there, Bob.
Bob: He he. You know, cats are the first species to fully evolve. We're perfect.
Bob: What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An Eskimew!
Times: I think you've had enough to drink, Bob. You're getting tipsy.
Bob: Did you hear about the cat who drank 10 bowls of milk? He set a new lap record.
Times: Now that's not funny. And we're supposed to be doing an interview here, not telling lame jokes!
Bob: Preserve nature. Pickle a dog! Ha ha ha ha! Did you like that one?
Times: No, actually. And I really think you should go home and get some sleep. It doesn't look like you've gotten much sleep lately....
Bob: Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Times: Well it sure looks like you're suffering from it, Bob. You haven't been making any sense at all.
Bob: It was done on purpose.
Times: So all this dancing around my questions was done deliberately?
Bob: No, not really. I'm actually signed up with all those HAM fanatics.
Times: What does THAT have to do with...
Bob: Oops, never mind. I'm not supposed to talk about that.
Times: Well do you care to comment about your twin brother's behaviour?
Bob: Sorry, I am far too busy marking my territory. Besides, no comment. He's an idiot. ScapeRune indeed! I'd like to see him just TRY to pull that kind of stuff on my turf.
Times: So you don't care to comment about his forcing unsuspecting travellers to catch his dinner for him?
Bob: Hey, I never said he wasn't resourceful. I said he was an idiot. There's a difference, you know.
Times: Yes, I know. I'm afraid our time is up, Bob. Do you have any final words that I can use in my article?
Bob: As a matter of fact, I do. Beware the bag monsters. These things live in small bags and under newspapers, sometimes even hidden in shoes if they are very clever. They will be very small and ....
Times: Never mind. Thank you for your time, Bob.
Bob: You're welcome. And remember, If at first you don't succeed, take a short nap.
Times: Right. Thank you.
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