The Tip.It Times

Issue 3199gp

Pescaling Schmeskaling

Written by and edited by Tip.It

As many of you know by now, The Penguins are at large again, this time misguiding our investigation so that instead of foiling their plans, we actually HELPED them! The Pescaling, albeit he is a treacherous and villainous penguin, is quite hardly the least of my concerns regarding the penguin conspiracy. Yes, he is planning to destroy all humans, and yes, he is gathering masses of penguins to join him, but he is merely a penguin with a reprehensible vision trying to find a means to execute his plans. He does not yet have the resources to fully overcome RuneScape, and as far as I am concerned, never will.

So, about whom, you may ask, should we REALLY be worried? The answer, my friends, is the penguin mafia. We have yet to even discover just how dangerous and conniving these penguins are. We do not even know how many members there are! There could be more penguins loyal to the mafia than there are to the Pescaling, just waiting for the right moment to overturn their king and take control of all that the KGP possesses, including their massive submarine!

Why fear the mafia? It is not merely because they are now the unknown, nor because we do not know if they have their own shady deals with the members of the Red Axe, not to mention possible deals with rogue gnomes, fairies, or humans alike, but because they can execute their power and demonstrate their capacity without even identifying themselves to those of us who have been spying on penguins for many RuneScape months.

It takes a keen eye to notice the devious nature of the penguin mafia. Those of you who previously maintained 496 bank spaces may have noticed this second day of June that you now maintained only 495 bank spaces. I suppose similar discoveries could have been possible with any number of bank spaces to the most acute detectives.

It is unsettling to know that these dastardly penguins have gained access to the most forbidden, most protected organization within all of RuneScape: our bank. To access tens of thousands of accounts and steal from us without anybody even noticing what they were planning, without anybody catching them in the act, and with nobody even knowing whom to prosecute or even accuse afterwards.

Notice, too, the penguin mafia did not seek to destroy us… at least not yet! They did not steal our stacks of gold coins from our coffers. They did not hijack our discontinued hats, masks, or edible rares. They did not steal our armour so that we could not fight them. They stole one teensy tiny seemingly-no-longer-useful quest item.

Have you figured it out? Have you discovered what these penguins have stolen? None other than the KGP ID card given to us by Noodle during The Cold War quest. Now this may seem insignificant to the lighthearted, but recognize that the penguin mafia has pulled off the BIGGEST conspiracy in RuneScape history in order to steal your KGP ID card. Now ask yourself, WHY? Why waste so many resources to acquire all of our KGP IDs? Why risk exposing their contacts within the Bank of RuneScape for a measly ID card?

I’ll tell you why- they want us in their debt! Noodle wasn’t doing US a favor by making us “another” ID card. He was helping the mafia force us into their debt. To top it off, I doubt that Noodle is even worth questioning, as having sent him to directly contact us, he probably has little or no useful information that could hurt the penguin mafia. So forget the Pescaling and his little submarine that they think they can use to conquer the whole of RuneScape. I’ll be hiding from the mafia, hoping that they never find me to make me repay my forcibly imposed debt.

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